How the Absent Father and Mother Wounds Create -Anxious or Avoidant Attachment Styles

The Mother Wound

The mother wound occurs when a mother offers her child physical but not emotional support.

A mother may feed, bathe, and provide practical care, but may not offer the nurturing attention, safety, and warmth that a child needs to feel truly secure and loved.

As the child grows into adolescence, the mother may become more critical and less empathic toward the child’s emotions and needs.

The mother wound is similar to the father wound in that both arise from neglectful or emotionally unavailable parenting.

However, they differ in how they reflect societal expectations. Society often expects a mother to provide love and acceptance, so the mother wound develops when this is absent.

The Father Wound

Growing up without a father can be one of the most painful and traumatic experiences.

It can create low self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, identity confusion, and a lack of self-love.

The absence of a father’s affirmation and support can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and a diminished sense of worth.

A father’s role is often seen as protector and supporter, so the father wound occurs when he is physically absent, emotionally unavailable, critical, or abusive.

For girls, growing up without a father’s consistent presence can deeply impact self-worth and confidence.

Why These Wounds Matter

The reason the mother wound has such a profound effect on us—both in childhood and later in life—is that it plants seeds of doubt about our worth, our trust in others, and our safety in the world.

Common challenges associated with mother and father wounds include low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, and difficulties with relationships and emotional regulation.

The Mother Wound in Men

For men, the mother wound can show up in several ways.

Men with an unprocessed mother wound may crave a woman’s love and approval, especially if they developed an anxious attachment style in childhood. This style is characterized by reassurance-seeking, clinginess, and fear of abandonment.

Others may develop an avoidant attachment style, where they shut down their emotions and distance themselves in relationships due to fear of vulnerability or rejection.

Some men develop insecure attachment patterns that manifest as anger, inadequacy, or sadness. This anger may appear unpredictably, without clear reason, as a defense against deeper emotional pain.

The Mother Wound in Women

In women, the mother wound often manifests as a deep sense of shame — a belief that something is wrong with them, or that they must stay small to be loved.

Low self-esteem may cause women to compare themselves to others, reinforcing feelings of inadequacy.

If a woman believes her mother saw her as “not good enough,” she may internalize that belief and become a people-pleaser — overgiving, doubting herself, and living in constant overwhelm and self-criticism.

Attachment Styles and Relationships

An avoidant attachment style develops when a child repeatedly experiences emotional rejection or a lack of affection.

People with anxious-avoidant attachment tend to avoid emotional closeness, rely heavily on independence, and struggle with intimacy.

They may alternate between warmth and withdrawal, making relationships feel unpredictable and emotionally distant.

When triggered, they may retreat into work or distractions, repress emotions, and pretend not to care.

How to Work with an Avoidant Partner (if You Are Anxious)

Encouraging self-awareness in the avoidant partner is key. They may perceive feedback as an attack, so use gentle, non-blaming language.

When the avoidant feels overwhelmed or wants to shut down, invite them to share what’s happening internally.

Encourage them to express when they need space or time to calm down — this builds safety.

Once they’ve regulated, set a time to revisit the conversation. Sending a short email outlining what you’d like to discuss helps them prepare and reduces fear.

The avoidant partner’s fear of vulnerability and rejection drives much of their withdrawal. Recognizing this is the first step toward healing.

Meanwhile, the anxious partner often falls into people-pleasing patterns — giving to feel loved, but ending up depleted and resentful.

Learning to set boundaries and say “no” without guilt restores a sense of safety and balance.

Healing Together

Both anxious and avoidant partners must go against their trauma responses to meet in the middle.

The anxious partner must offer more space, while the avoidant partner must show more emotional presence.

As both partners learn to regulate their emotions, communicate without blame, and take ownership of their triggers, relationships become healthier and more connected.

Healing requires courage — facing fears and doing the inner work.

But it only takes one person to begin the process.

Start with yourself, because the only person you can truly change is you.

Healing the Mother and Father Wound

Healing these early attachment wounds is a deeply personal journey — one that requires patience, self-compassion, and safe guidance.

These patterns were created long before you had the power to choose differently, but healing allows you to reparent yourself and offer the love and safety you needed back then.

Through inner child work, somatic therapy, and hypnotherapy, we can begin to reconnect with the parts of you that learned to hide, please, or perform for love.

By working directly with the subconscious mind and nervous system, we can release the emotional charge held in the body — the memories, sensations, and beliefs that still shape how you relate to yourself and others today.

This work isn’t about blaming our parents. It’s about understanding how unmet needs from childhood continue to echo in adulthood — and learning to meet those needs from a place of compassion, not criticism.

As you begin this healing process, you’ll start to feel:

• Greater safety within your body

• More self-trust and emotional stability

• Deeper, more authentic connections in relationships

• Peace in knowing you are already enough

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know that healing is absolutely possible.

Through somatic and subconscious work, we can begin to release the old beliefs keeping you stuck and create new, empowering ways of relating — to yourself and to others.

You don’t have to keep reliving old emotional patterns.

You can feel calm, connected, and confident in who you are ❤️

Begin your journey toward emotional freedom and authentic self-love ❤️

Best to you,

Ashley 

somaticsembodied@gmail.com

Somatics-EmbodiedRTT® Clinical Hypnotherapy & NLP-IFS, and Somatic Counseling 

Rewiring Mindset: Conquer Anxiety-Self-Sabotage.

somaticsembodied.com